Peace Song
by StarryNight
Summary: Semi-sequel to 'Blood and Fire.' Heer's thoughts on the whole affair.... YAOI WARNING!


Peace Song  
By: Elizabeth Dunn  
Disclaimer: These characters do not belong to me. I am using them for fun, not profit. If you sue me, all you'll get are medical bills and college loans.  
Rating: R  
Pairing: 1+2  
Author's Notes: This can be considered a semi-sequel to the fic 'Blood and Fire' I posted last week. Once again, the song 'Peace Song' belongs to the Indigo Girls and not to me. Warnings for angst again. This one is in Heero's POV.  
Feedback is always appreciated. Flames will be ignored and used to heat my dorm room and my friend's apartment.  
  
**-denotes song lyrics  
  
**********  
  
**Now everybody's looking for a little peace of mind  
We're a generation running out of time  
There's a bomb, there's a man  
There's a gun in his hand yeah**  
  
Fighting. It's what I was...trained, programmed-born to do. And I know I do it well. But...does there come a point where I need to stop living for the mission and live for myself?  
  
**Nobody smiles at strangers we're scared from birth  
Afraid the man's gonna take us  
For all that we're worth  
Strip us of our pride  
Make a strike from inside**  
  
It's ironic-I live for the mission, for the war-and I'm fighting for peace. Will I be able to live with peace, when I don't have the mission to define my every moment?  
  
Amethyst eyes float in front of my vision, gone when I blink. I *do* have something-some*one* else to live for...I'm just afraid to admit it to myself.  
  
I told him that love was a weakness that we couldn't afford. What I should've also mentioned is that it was too late-that I was already weakened...and that I didn't mind. I can admit I panicked-I'm ashamed of it-I never ran from a fight before-but I ran from him. From my Duo.  
  
**Come on and tell me  
How long will we be victims of fear  
With a man and a gun and the 'day after' fear  
Jesus smile down upon your children  
Smile down upon your family**  
  
Everyone views me as the strongest of the pilots, the one with no fear. This is only partially true. No, I'm not afraid to die. I'm fully prepared to give my life in this war. But of emotion, of feeling...there I am a coward. Quatre, Wufei, even Trowa all allow themselves to feel. And Duo...I know. He faces his emotions head on. If he has fear, he overcomes it easily. That can be the only explanation for how he manages to survive-he doesn't allow himself to be afraid of his feelings. He did the one thing I think I can never do-he was able to say he loves me.  
  
**Even lovers have trouble at hand  
What's your preference where do you stand  
You get all uptight about it  
Wanna fight about it  
Wanna fight about love  
No no no**  
  
When we first got together, I managed to convince myself that it was a form of shared solace-the whole 'comrades in arms' thing, just a way to reaffirm that we're alive and not alone. Convenient, with the strongest feelings present nothing more than a mutual trust and friendship. Hell, I had myself convinced that Duo really was in love with Hilde, that we would last as long as the war, and that's it.   
  
I did start to feel something for him, though...I can remember the first time I looked at him, bathed in the moonlight sound asleep, and instead of just feeling comfort and sated, I felt...tender, content. And-I can admit it now-that...scared me.  
  
**Wanting independence separate but equal  
A lover here another there  
One more for the sequel to the heartache  
How much more can we take**  
  
All my life, I've been defending something. Earth, the colonies, even Relena. But where I had managed to succeed in all other times, I never successfully defended myself. And Duo managed to sneak in past the walls I had built around my heart and get to my core. Because of him, I could *feel*.   
  
I...I love him. I love Duo Maxwell. And because I allowed myself to be ruled by fear, I pushed him away. I destroyed something I never realized I wanted...until it was too late. But I allowed my fear to ruin what we had.  
  
**Won't you tell me  
How long will we be victims of fear  
With a man and a gun and the 'day after' fear  
Jesus smile down upon your children  
Smile down upon your family**  
  
I'm looking forward to going back to Earth, now. At first, I didn't want to...because I didn't think I could stand being on the same planet as Duo, knowing what I did to him. But now...now I want to find him, and, at the very least, tell him what I feel and what I've been thinking. I can at least offer him that small gift-even if he doesn't want *me* anymore-at least he can understand why I did what I did at that time. Or, I hope he can understand. Sometimes I'm not even sure I understand myself. But it's all I have. My words and my heart.  
  
**Now I'm talking about  
Altruism and unification  
We forgotten what that means  
Cynicism in this mighty nation  
And hatred is splitting us right at the seams**  
  
I am the Perfect Soldier...but today the soldier doesn't want to fight. I'm tired of it. I will destroy because I have to, because I know it's for a 'greater good'-but I'm even starting to lose sight of what that is anymore. Peace just seems like a dream. Funny-I didn't mind fighting as long as I had Duo's arms to come home to-for he is my definition of 'home'-I just saw that too late. Too damn late.  
  
I have to force my focus onto the incoming mobile dolls. I can make all the resolutions I want-but they become worthless if I get myself killed. I barely notice as Quatre and Trowa join me in their Gundams...I guess this is important. When Wufei joins us, I find myself holding my breath, waiting....  
  
Finally, I see it. Death approaching me, scythe blazing. I can feel Duo's spirit as he joins the others, covering me, allowing mw to complete the mission. I gave him up once...I promise myself, here and now, that I'm not going to let him go again once this battle is over.  
  
**Oh but I still believe that good will prevail  
And if we don't ever try  
It's damn sure that we'll fail  
Lose another day  
The American way  
So come all believers  
Come all races  
Start looking at the souls  
Not at the faces  
And we're there  
And we're learning to care**  
  
This battle, this mission...it seems harder than any before it. Is it because this time I am consciously *trying* to stay alive? Maybe...before, I didn't mind the thought of dying for a cause...but my cause now is Duo, and trying to repair the mistakes I had made.  
  
Love isn't a weakness, Duo, I know that now. I know what you always tried to tell me, what you tried to tell me as I left you. Love is the greatest strength and constant we have in this uncertain world. And this is what I plan on telling you the second this is all over.   
  
And it is over. Before I can blink, the target has been destroyed, and we're heading to a safehouse...somewhere, probably another of Quarter's estates. The airwaves around me are filled with chatter and congratulations, pilots riding the adrenaline high of a mission accomplished successfully. But it has no meaning for me. Only one face holds my attention, delicate features, big violet eyes, framed by masses of chestnut hair. Reaching over, I signal Duo.  
  
He looks up at me. Eyes widening and narrowing. As one, completely unplanned, we say, 'We need to talk." Also as one, we nod, and cut the connection. Message received. I'm going to be open to whatever he has to say to me...and I will get the chance to say what I need to as well. I will not allow fear to rule me again.  
  
**I want to know baby  
How long we will be victims of fear  
With a man and a gun and the 'day after' fear  
Jesus smile down upon your children  
Smile down upon your family  
Jesus smile down upon your children  
Smile down upon your family**  
  
***********  
  
The End   



End file.
